Five Foolproof Ways to Lose Weight

“You know the secret to weight loss? Don’t eat much.”
Simon Cowell

Way One
Live on a planet with less gravity than earth

By living on Mars, where the gravity is about 38% that of the earth, a 140 pound woman and a 250 pound man would weigh approximately 53 pounds and 95 pounds respectively. It would cost you a billion or zillion dollars to get there, you couldn’t breathe for very long and it would get pretty hot (like burn you up), but you would at least be guaranteed that you would accomplish your weight loss goal.

Way Two
Live under water

Because water is denser than air, you appear to weigh less when you are in the water. In actuality, the buoyant force of the water is acting to negate the force of gravity but who really cares…if you were a merman or mermaid you would feel like you were liberated from the tonnage you now carry. You might have to adjust to living with gills and being preyed upon by large fish but for all intents and porpoises, you would have achieved your goal of weight loss.

Way Three
Lose a Body Part

If you were to lose a finger in an accident with a saw you would weigh less. A finger only weighs about seven ounces so it does not seem like a very good tradeoff. Candidly, the tradeoff gets a lot worse the more weight loss you seek. It is probably easier to just lose your mind but then that just gives you weight off your mind and not weight off your body.

Way Four

Many factors such as the temperature and the type of soil around you affect the rate of your decomposition after your death making it hard to predict when you would reach your ideal weight. Regardless, you would only be able to maintain it for a short amount of time because the decomposition continues despite your desire to now enjoy your new-found skinnyness. It would be a fleeting pleasure and then your skinnyness would turn to skinlessness and you wouldn’t really feel like going out on the town anymore.

Way Five
Eat Less Calories than You Burn

I saved the hardest and most unreasonable way for last. Why anyone would think that they could actually consume fewer calories than their body needs to perform its daily tasks is beyond me. I mean, consider all of the times and places where calorie consumption is required:

1. Normal breakfast lunch and dinner times, not because we are hungry, but because we were taught as kids to eat during those times, whether we were hungry or not.

2. Snacks in front of the TV. They even invented commercials and the DVR so that you have time to refill your drinks and bowls of goodies.

3. Popcorn and candy at the movies at exorbitant prices. If it were not for this one requirement to eat at the movies, more people would be able to afford their trip to mars to lose weight.

4. In the car. The requirement to eat in the car is so significant that businesses actually redesigned their buildings to allow us to gather our nourishment at the window without having to expend the calories required to actually walk up to the counter. A God-send for sure.

5. Family gatherings and holidays. It is required to consume way past the restrictions of your clothes, so elastic was invented. Unbuttoning your pants, which under normal conditions would be a huge societal no-no, became a cultural and historical part of our holidays…an expectation almost. If no guts are busting at the seams then grandma has failed and we could never let that happen.

6. Wherever there is a snack machine. It’s there just behind that thin sheet of plastic, within sight but not within reach. It requires effort on our part to reach into our pocket and pull out some coins. It must be good for me.

7. Convenience store impulse items. I need gas. I see chips. I am pulsed to im….to implode! Who can resist? Not one person unless they trade their souls for the much more damaging tobacco products instead of the healthy variety of chips and candy that I seek.

There is too much to cover everything. Suffice it to say that this weight loss option is by far the hardest of all of the options I have presented. To think that you could expect one of us to simply consume fewer calories than we burn is almost offensive. To resist the temptation to gorge ourselves….to not fill our plate a second time…to eat healthy fruits and vegetables…to walk around the block or partake in daily physical activity…it all just seems to way too hard. In fact, I think instead of calling it “Way Five”, I should have just called it “Way Too Hard”.

I hear that pretty much the most successful method for permanent weight loss is the one where you decompose. But instead of decomposure (new word I think), let’s keep our composure and try again to get it right. Let’s forget the spaceships and gills and skill saws and burial plots and just try the “Way Too Hard” route and keep at it. It may seem way too hard but most things that are way so right are also way so hard. We can do it.

There is a lot weighing on our decision. Which one are you going to try?

(I realize there are some medical conditions that affect weight loss and gain…please do not be offended. This blog was written for the rest of us who have a choice in the matter and often make the wrong choice.)

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7 thoughts on “Five Foolproof Ways to Lose Weight”

  1. This is one of the better articles surrounding health and
    fitness for women that I have read, I love the first 4 ideas you have! Very funny!. Engaging in exercise routines and weights is a minefield for women – they usually end up beefing up and looking like smaller versions of men if done incorrectly. I recently bought a program that focuses on resistance rather than reps or weights which leads to much leaner muscle mass and a more feminine body. There is a review of the product at

  2. Pleasant article. I just discovered your blog plus desired to claim that I have got seriously beloved searching your site articles. No matter the reason I’ll be signing up on your rss with this particular praying you’re writing just as before in the near future!

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