Snoring…The Good Lord’s Equalizer

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone”
Anthony Burgess

It’s almost 2:00 A.M. and I can’t go back to sleep. My wife is snoring. I am a snorer too…a pretty bad one I hear (or don’t hear!). My Mom and brother have to be among the worst. Surely there is not a more annoying situation for those unfortunate enough to still be awake than sleeping with someone who snores. I was told by a law enforcement officer that once an old lady finally shot her husband in the head with a 22 caliber rifle because he was snoring. He lived and they eventually got back together.

I have been in hunting camps and football training camps where multiple men go to sleep at the same time on cots in a big room. What a disaster that is. You always pray that you will be the first one to sleep. Whereas your normal disposition might be to look out for the other guy, when it comes to snoring all bets are off. Your survival depends on your ability to reach a deep enough sleep and begin snoring before the turbulent and relentless nasal orchestra begins. If you are too late, you are destined to hours of mental and physical anguish.

Your options are limited. My wife uses ear plugs, which also means you don’t hear the burglar breaking into your house. To escape my Mom’s snoring, my Dad used to go and sleep in one of the vacant kid’s rooms once they became empty-nesters. I hear that in some newer homes an extra room is built just to house the snorer. There are also expensive medical procedures that promise to solve the problem if you are able to hog tie your partner and get them to the hospital. For me, I just cold-heartedly and with only a little shame, wake my wife up just enough to get her to stop snoring without waking her up enough for her to ask me why I woke her up. It is an imperfect science. Of course she wonders why she is tired the next day but isn’t that better than sleeping in the car for instance?

What is to be done? All everyone wants is just to get some sleep. I can sleep to music… why not snoring?

I guess that life is meant to be a challenge for us and it would be way too easy if we got eight hours a day shielded from challenges. Therefore the Good Lord created snoring. It makes even sleep become work. Snoring also creates humility. Just in case any beautiful princess thought she was “all that”, as soon as she goes to sleep, her beautiful perfect nostrils create a wart hog like noise that echoes through her chambers and balance is restored to the world. Alas, even the greatest among us may cause the buildings and even earth to shake, not out of fear or respect, but because the airflow reverberates as it tries to pass through their imperfect mouth and nose airways.

All in all, I suppose that we are each left to deal with snoring on our own. It pushes love to its most extreme boundaries which must be good for the world. Therefore if we poke our spouse or kick them out of the room, or employ any other non-lethal means, we should do it with love. I think I will just give my spouse a little nudge on the shoulder and see if that does the trick….oops a little too hard…no honey everything is okay…go back to sleep.

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3 thoughts on “Snoring…The Good Lord’s Equalizer”

  1. That is sooo funny!! Loved it!!! They now make those king sized beds where they are two separate sides and when the snoring begins, the wife simply pushes the button and sweetie pie’s side sits him straight up!!! Snorning over!! 🙂 🙂

  2. An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this onto a coworker who was conducting a little
    homework on this. And he in fact ordered me lunch because I discovered it for him…
    lol. So let me reword this…. Thank YOU for the meal!!

    But yeah, thanx for spending time to discuss this topic here
    on your internet site.

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