Five Tips for Stress Free/Work Free Weed Eating After Age 50

We were all weekend warriors and yard fanatics when we were young and raising a family (free labor) but after you turned 50, priorities and body parts began to shift. It seemed like a good idea 20 years ago to plant all of those shrubs and flowers but now a rock garden and a condo sound pretty good. As with many things, there is a new right way to do things if we really want there to be and so allow me to share five tips for proper weed eating after age 50. Only four things are required to get started:

1. A battery-powered weed eater
2. One battery and charger
3. A wet towel
4. Lazy streak, poor health or poor work ethic..any one of these will suffice but if you have all three it is even better.

Tip One
Purchase a Battery-Powered Weed Eater


The most important tool to make this work well is to purchase a battery-powered weed eater. A gas weed eater is good in the sense that you can never get them started so little work is done but the danger is that you still burn a lot of calories trying to get it started and maybe even sweat a little which we are trying to avoid. Nor is an electric weed eater with an extension cord a good idea unless there are constant power outages in your area. The miracle of the battery-powered weed eater is that the battery runs out. It is critical to purchase just one battery which should give you about 20 minutes of spinning the string. This time can be spent cutting grass or if out of sight, a pair of vice grips can hold the trigger down and you can talk to your neighbor while it cuts the air.

Tip Two
Secure a Wet Towel


As you leave the house, ask your wife for a damp towel, presumably to help you cool off in the grueling sun. As soon as you have a safe opportunity (wife not looking), use the wet towel to moisten your shirt in areas usually reserved for sweat. You may have to use your water bottle that you have also asked your wife to provide, presumably to fend off dehydration, to drench areas that the towel could not get.

Tip Three
Work in the Worst Area of Your Yard


It is important that your wife thinks that you are trying. By choosing the worst part of the yard, there is built-in empathy and sympathy. Progress is slow and hard. It is you and her against the darned old worst part of the yard. If it is near a lake where the danger of snake bite or gator attack can be introduced as a possibility, you will fare even better. Hopefully, that part of the yard is also hidden from her view. Turn on the weed eater while constantly checking to see if your wife is near. The more you run the motor the quicker the battery dies down. If a few blades of grass or weeds get in your way, don’t drop your head and complain…nobody is perfect. Stay in this area of the yard until the battery dies.

Tip Four
Oversee the Charging of the Battery


Electricity can be deadly. Volunteer (though not verbally to your wife) to make sure that the charging of the “only” battery you own goes well. It is better that your wife not know the sacrifice in the face of danger that you are preparing to make. Choose a comfortable seat as this may take several hours. Take this opportunity to re-hydrate and re-energize your body with staples that you may have around the house. If you can not find any, a quick trip to the closest convenience store will provide you with nutrition and sustenance.

Tip Five
Enjoy Your Work Product

IMG_9951Not everyone has the ability or desire to do what you have done. Take a moment to enjoy the journey. Allow several hours for this part of the work day as it may be the most important.

IMG_9953Upon waking up, check the battery. Stare at it for ten seconds and make a “hmphh!” sound and then plug-in the charger. Make sure that any feelings of guilt are immediately disregarded.

You are done. Another Saturday of weed eating (and a few chips and sodas) are under your belt. You will find that this method only slightly adjusted will work well with other projects that you may have on your honey do list. It is not however, recommended for projects such as getting the house ready for sale or for divorce proceedings.

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